Trainwreck: A Journey Through Miscarriage

Not two months ago I was in a great place in my life.  I was so excited to blog these Scripture encouragements for moms. I was getting some great words from God- lots of things I was excited to share. I was thoroughly enjoying staying at home full time. Michael was thriving at his new job. Then the icing on the cake: around Christmas Michael & I found out we were expecting Baby Hollar #2! Who wouldn't be excited about another Isaac?? (Ok, minus the sleeping challenges- that gave me a few mini heart attacks thinking about that playing out...) But regardless, we were very excited. I crochet two hats and was scouring the internet for the perfect baby blanket pattern. Our first pregnancy was so smooth. Absolutely no complications, no trouble, no scares, nothing. It never crossed my mind that this one might not go as well.
  
I left our first ultrasound appointment with the reality that our 8 week old blueberry was not growing properly. The blueberry was only measuring at a little 4 week poppy seed. We set up a two week follow up ultrasound to see if maybe the blueberry was just a mini-blueberry, maybe just a little behind. I spent the next two weeks grasping onto hope, but I didn't have a good feeling about it from the beginning. I believe at that point God was preparing me for the reality that was coming. I began to detach emotionally. Sure enough, at 10 weeks, we should have seen a kumquat (what in the world is a kumquat and why do they use that to describe your baby?!?) but indeed, we still saw a poppy seed.

P.S. This is a kumquat.

Here came the trainwreck: I was going to have a miscarriage.

There she is. I'm convinced it was a girl.

It took another week for my body to finally respond to the drugs to trigger the miscarriage. Let me tell you that, in case you didn't know, having a miscarriage massively sucks. It's probably one of the worst experiences of my life. You feel like you surely must be dying because that much blood and globs of bloody stuff (sorry) should not be coming out. This cannot be normal. You should most likely go to the hospital, if not call 911, because you are definitely going to die if you just sit at home. Just in case you might think, "It can't be that bad..." IT IS. Not only is it emotionally difficult to lose your baby, but it is physically taxing. My body has moved on. My heart is now trying to catch up.  


You get attached to the little pea so very quickly. The moment you get a positive pregnancy test, you start thinking about the due date, the gender, the newborn stage, and if you're me, what sweet little projects I could crochet for it. Then suddenly, you don't get to have those thoughts anymore. Instead, you have to think about forgetting, about going back to work, about getting your period again (boo), about getting back to "normal." No more baby fantasies.


I do not think this happened because of "karma" or something I did wrong in a past life. I do not think this happened because I drink Diet Coke or eat fast food. I do not think this happened because God is uncaring or wants to see if I have "enough faith." I think it just happened. My response? I am thankfully not angry (although I can easily see how I could be if this continued to happen), but I am just so very sad. The tears are always on the edge, ready to fall when I start thinking about it too much (like... now). I miss my baby. I am sad I will not have a real life experience with this little one. I cry to think this baby just... stopped growing inside me. I feel a sadness that I know will pass with time, but is right now very real and heavy.

I still have to believe that God is good. That He has a plan for our family and it is good. 

I cannot only believe that God is good when I'm getting everything I want. 

Sometimes bad things just happen and my faith in these times should be as strong as when things are going well. He is not a God that exists only to give us everything we ever wanted. There is more to Him than I can see sometimes. I have to believe that and have faith that He is working for my good in the end.

If you've had a miscarriage, or God forbid, you ever do, you need to know that going through a grieving process is ok. I ate a whole bag of peanut butter M&Ms in a matter of days. I had a few many Mike's Hard Lemonades (ooooh look at the rebel in me! Oh how my ways have changed...). I stayed indoors & sat on the couch for a few days. You need to do what you need to do to comfort yourself and cope the way you need to cope.

If you ever know someone who has a miscarriage, my biggest piece of advice is to keep in touch. Some of the most healing moments came from receiving flowers, gifts (note: chocolate=good gift), emails, and texts from some beautiful friends. And not just when you find out the news, but a week later. Two weeks later. A month later. She needs to feel loved and like she's not alone. She needs to know people are thinking about her. Just sending her a, "How are you doing today?" text will brighten her mood and help the healing process in ways you don't understand. Keep her in your prayers and keep in touch.

So now, we move on. We try again. We pray for another baby. We thank God that He gave us one. We are humbly grateful for all that we do have and we do not focus on what we don't. We love a little deeper because we now know what it's like to lose. We straighten out the wreckage. It's time to get back on track.