I started reading this short book called "Capture His Heart" by Lysa TerKeurst that I actually bought for myself & some girlfriends last Christmas. I thought it's about time I pick it up to actually read it. It's a book about our roles as wives & how we can be the best wife for our husbands. However just from reading the first few chapters, I think it easily applies to all kinds of relationships. Can I share what I've learned so far?
The first section is called, 'Your husband needs you to support him spiritually.' I get a little weary about books with section titles like this because I assume it's going to be cheesy. But even with my skeptical attitude, I really had a perspective change from just this small, 4 page chapter titled, "Even a Great Husband Makes a Poor God." It's all about how we as women want the men in our lives to be responsible for filling up our love tanks. If I'm married, I can expect my husband to make me feel loved, secure, accepted, appreciated & cared for. Err! Wrong! I've only been married a little over four years & I can tell you that I cannot rely on my husband alone to fill me up. Not because I have a bad husband, but because that is way too much pressure on one person! He can't live up to those expectations! Often we say things like, "Nobody is perfect," or we can recognize that everyone has faults, but we still depend on them to fulfill us in the way we desire. How it really plays out is that we are disappointed & hurt when they don't live up to that standard we have. We may begin to get bitter & angry ("He doesn't really care about me.") We begin to think the grass is greener somewhere else ("I'm sure that woman's husband loves her better than mine does, look how happy she is.") We may withhold love from him, speak sarcastically or be snippy (as my mom would say), or eventually even give up on having a good marriage. All this because our husbands didn't fulfill what we expected of them. I think much of our disappointment & unhappiness is because we expect the impossible!
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| I do love my husband very much, yet I have to stop expecting him to fulfill my every desire to feel loved & happy. |
In the book, the author states, "Apart from Christ I can do no good thing, because apart from Christ I wither as I try to make my husband fill me. When I do this I drain my husband and my marriage." Whether you're a believer in Jesus or not, don't we all do this? We have these expectations of others, & in the process of trying to get someone to fill them, we just end up draining that person of any ability to make us feel loved. No matter what they are doing, it's not enough because I don't feel fulfilled. I would also argue that many times these expectations are subconscious. I don't think any of us would say aloud, "My husband should completely fulfill me, make me supremely happy, & cater to my every need & desire. And if he doesn't I am disappointed." Yet these beliefs are rooted in us. We all are looking for something to fill our love tanks! As I've been thinking about this concept, I've realized that it's not just limited to our husbands.
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| Maybe something I am looking to is this little boy we're about to welcome to the world. What if he doesn't complete me? What if something happens to him? What if he doesn't love me the way I wish he would? What if he doesn't fulfill my expectations? |
We are constantly looking to something or someone to make us feel loved. Maybe it's a job, a friendship, a child, a romantic relationship, approval of the public, a group you lead, your family members, or any other number of things! The unfortunate fact is that when we look to our husbands or any of these other sources for complete fulfillment, we are just draining that which can contribute to our happiness. A husband isn't bad, a child isn't bad, etc. But when we put these expectations of 'this will fill me!' on anything, not only are we disappointed, but the object of our expectations is drained because the bottom line is (fill in the blank) was never intended to be our source of complete happiness.
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| Look at this cake I made! Another thing I know I look to is approval from others. If others give me praise or validate my efforts, I feel happy... temporarily. But it's just never enough to hold me over for long periods of time... |
The author goes on to give a little insight into the cure for our disappointment: "God has taught me what it means to live for an audience of one. Instead of trying to be a good wife to win my husband's approval, trying to be a good mom to win my kids' approval, and trying to be a good friend to win my friends' approval, I now simply try to please God. I seek only His favor & follow His precepts. In doing this I am a good wife, a good mom, & a good friend."
I'm gradually learning to stop relying on others for approval & fulfillment. If God approves, if God fulfills me, then I am free to live without expecting the impossible from others.
