Rejoicing & Joy (Psalm 105:43)

In this Psalm, David is remembering all that God did for the Israelites as He brought them to the Promised Land. In the end, after years of hardship, slavery, oppression, sadness, despair, wandering in the wilderness, wondering if God was actually going to show up for them, "He brought out his people with rejoicing, his chosen ones with shouts of joy."  

God showed up when they probably didn't think He was going to.

We will all face low times in our lives as women. As moms. Seasons of sadness, grief, stress, exhaustion, frustration, need. I know single moms struggling to stay afloat. I know a mom whose baby had severe reflux and would only sleep for a few hours at a time. I know moms whose babies were in the hospital for weeks. I know a mom who lost her full term baby. I know women who have had miscarriages, some multiple. I know women who want babies but cannot have them. I know moms whose children are struggling in school. I know a mom who tried endlessly to raise enough money to bring her adoptive babies home. I know moms who are admirably trying to dig out of a debt hole. I know moms who are tired (ha!).

I look at my friends and I see such a variety of difficult seasons. It is amazing all you women have gone through.

Then I look forward a little. I see a mom whose baby is sleeping through the night. I see healthy babies come home from the hospital. I see the mom who thought she wouldn't have babies bring home twin girls. I see women with beautiful children who wouldn't be here if it weren't for that miscarriage. I see an adoptive girl brought to a forever home. I see the financial burden on a family lifted. I see God showing up everywhere.

In a perfect world, all our dark spots would turn to light in a matter of weeks or months. But sadly, this isn't a perfect world, and not all darkness is lifted in this life. Sometimes the difficult seasons don't end at all. But God is not limited by our time. He will bring you out. He promises to. He will bring you out, even if it is not in this life. 

There will be rejoicing and joy for those who belong to God, no matter what ugly circumstances they are in at the present moment.

David gives us the best advice we could ask for when we are facing these dark times in our lives. Earlier in this Psalm he says, "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." God will bring you out. You will rejoice. You will be joyful again. In the meantime, look to the Lord. He is full of strength and light ready to pour over into your darkness. Trust me.

Trainwreck: A Journey Through Miscarriage

Not two months ago I was in a great place in my life.  I was so excited to blog these Scripture encouragements for moms. I was getting some great words from God- lots of things I was excited to share. I was thoroughly enjoying staying at home full time. Michael was thriving at his new job. Then the icing on the cake: around Christmas Michael & I found out we were expecting Baby Hollar #2! Who wouldn't be excited about another Isaac?? (Ok, minus the sleeping challenges- that gave me a few mini heart attacks thinking about that playing out...) But regardless, we were very excited. I crochet two hats and was scouring the internet for the perfect baby blanket pattern. Our first pregnancy was so smooth. Absolutely no complications, no trouble, no scares, nothing. It never crossed my mind that this one might not go as well.
  
I left our first ultrasound appointment with the reality that our 8 week old blueberry was not growing properly. The blueberry was only measuring at a little 4 week poppy seed. We set up a two week follow up ultrasound to see if maybe the blueberry was just a mini-blueberry, maybe just a little behind. I spent the next two weeks grasping onto hope, but I didn't have a good feeling about it from the beginning. I believe at that point God was preparing me for the reality that was coming. I began to detach emotionally. Sure enough, at 10 weeks, we should have seen a kumquat (what in the world is a kumquat and why do they use that to describe your baby?!?) but indeed, we still saw a poppy seed.

P.S. This is a kumquat.

Here came the trainwreck: I was going to have a miscarriage.

There she is. I'm convinced it was a girl.

It took another week for my body to finally respond to the drugs to trigger the miscarriage. Let me tell you that, in case you didn't know, having a miscarriage massively sucks. It's probably one of the worst experiences of my life. You feel like you surely must be dying because that much blood and globs of bloody stuff (sorry) should not be coming out. This cannot be normal. You should most likely go to the hospital, if not call 911, because you are definitely going to die if you just sit at home. Just in case you might think, "It can't be that bad..." IT IS. Not only is it emotionally difficult to lose your baby, but it is physically taxing. My body has moved on. My heart is now trying to catch up.  


You get attached to the little pea so very quickly. The moment you get a positive pregnancy test, you start thinking about the due date, the gender, the newborn stage, and if you're me, what sweet little projects I could crochet for it. Then suddenly, you don't get to have those thoughts anymore. Instead, you have to think about forgetting, about going back to work, about getting your period again (boo), about getting back to "normal." No more baby fantasies.


I do not think this happened because of "karma" or something I did wrong in a past life. I do not think this happened because I drink Diet Coke or eat fast food. I do not think this happened because God is uncaring or wants to see if I have "enough faith." I think it just happened. My response? I am thankfully not angry (although I can easily see how I could be if this continued to happen), but I am just so very sad. The tears are always on the edge, ready to fall when I start thinking about it too much (like... now). I miss my baby. I am sad I will not have a real life experience with this little one. I cry to think this baby just... stopped growing inside me. I feel a sadness that I know will pass with time, but is right now very real and heavy.

I still have to believe that God is good. That He has a plan for our family and it is good. 

I cannot only believe that God is good when I'm getting everything I want. 

Sometimes bad things just happen and my faith in these times should be as strong as when things are going well. He is not a God that exists only to give us everything we ever wanted. There is more to Him than I can see sometimes. I have to believe that and have faith that He is working for my good in the end.

If you've had a miscarriage, or God forbid, you ever do, you need to know that going through a grieving process is ok. I ate a whole bag of peanut butter M&Ms in a matter of days. I had a few many Mike's Hard Lemonades (ooooh look at the rebel in me! Oh how my ways have changed...). I stayed indoors & sat on the couch for a few days. You need to do what you need to do to comfort yourself and cope the way you need to cope.

If you ever know someone who has a miscarriage, my biggest piece of advice is to keep in touch. Some of the most healing moments came from receiving flowers, gifts (note: chocolate=good gift), emails, and texts from some beautiful friends. And not just when you find out the news, but a week later. Two weeks later. A month later. She needs to feel loved and like she's not alone. She needs to know people are thinking about her. Just sending her a, "How are you doing today?" text will brighten her mood and help the healing process in ways you don't understand. Keep her in your prayers and keep in touch.

So now, we move on. We try again. We pray for another baby. We thank God that He gave us one. We are humbly grateful for all that we do have and we do not focus on what we don't. We love a little deeper because we now know what it's like to lose. We straighten out the wreckage. It's time to get back on track.