Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom: October 2013

Well, wow. We made it to a year! What an incredible ride this past year has been. It's really hard to describe just how amazing it is to watch a baby grow in their first year, how sweet and fun my child is, how honored and blessed I feel to be a mother, how much my life has changed, and how hard it all is. It's most definitely worth it, but man, being a mom is hard!

I've really thought a lot this past month about what I've learned about motherhood in a year, and although I am certainly no expert by any stretch of the imagination, I really have seen myself grow and adapt to the challenges that come with having a baby.

Do What Gives You Peace

After months & months of trying to do the "right" thing, I had to give up because I was spiraling down into self-defeat. I tried & tried to "fix" Isaac's sleeping "problem," using this person's advice & methods from that book & training from what I've heard in that online article & do what I've seen work for those moms. But you know what happened? The more & more I tried to do what I thought I should be doing, the more frustrated, upset & resentful I got. Then I felt guilty for feeling frustrated, upset & resentful. It was horrible self-defeating behavior when all I was trying to do was learn how to be a mommy & my baby was just learning how to be a little human bean!

One of the first pics of me & Isaac

Me & Isaac just before his 1st birthday

If I could go back and change one thing, it would be to just do what felt right for me & my baby in the moment. However wrong, or taboo, or unconventional, or strange it might seem to everyone else. To not read books, to not ask for advice (although I appreciate knowing other mom's experiences), to not seek help with the minor things. Because my baby isn't some problem that needs to be fixed & straightened out. He is a baby, who is learning how to do everything & might just take a little time to learn!

Mama, let me give you permission, just in case you thought you needed it: If you want to work outside the home? Do it! Don't feel guilty! If you want to nurse or rock your baby to sleep? Do it! Don't listen to the critics! If you want to sleep train & let your baby cry it out? Do it! I wish it worked for us! If you want to formula feed your baby instead of breastfeed? Do it! More power to you! If you want to breastfeed your baby past a year? Do it! Who cares what people think? If you're fine with getting up at night & going to baby when s/he cries? Do it! Who else's business is it, anyways? If you don't want to follow a schedule? Don't do it! Do what works for your family!

People will say you're reinforcing bad habits, or, they need to learn to fall asleep on their own, or, letting your baby cry will cause long term psychological damage, or, you know, breast is best, or, you shouldn't pick him up if he cries in the middle of the night, or, babies need consistency. All this so-called expert advice that really does you no good when you're trying to raise your own baby that expert has never met. What do they know? And in all honesty, what do your friends know? What does that blogging mom know? What does that doctor who wrote that book know about your baby?? None of them are in your home or your baby's room in the middle of the night when you just want him to stop crying. You were given Mama Bear instincts by the God who created you to be a mom, so trust in yourself & just do what you think is best for your baby! And do it with all the confidence in the world. Knowing that you love your baby & are doing the best you can, and that is perfect!

Confession: I believe I gave some advice on this blog around 4 or 5 months... I apologize. I hope to never give unsolicited advice to a new mommy again. It's funny because even I am not following all that advice I gave. At this time, with Isaac at a year old:

~I am still breastfeeding. I plan to continue until he shows signs that he's not interested anymore.

~I nurse Isaac to sleep every single night. And I have no regrets. Our bedtimes are so peaceful. 10 times out of 10.

~Isaac usually wakes once a night. I go in to his room within a few minutes of him waking up & nurse him right back to sleep. Usually I fall asleep in the chair with him for awhile.

~I nap with Isaac twice a day. We cuddle up in our Green Comfy Chair (GCC! I am so thankful for you!), I nurse him to sleep, & he sleeps anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. I usually read my Kindle for awhile but then fall asleep myself! I do not feel bad or guilty. The time he is this little is so short & I can wash dishes later! And I’m tired. So there.

Let. It. Go.

Ok so just in case you've been following me this year & for some strange reason you haven't been able to tell, let me just start by saying I am slightly Type A, uptight, anxious, & I like predictability and when things follow the rules. Well if I have been challenged in any way in becoming a mother, it has been in letting go a bit of this side of my personality. My baby was born as a psychological spitting image of his father: Type B. He has challenged my need to be in control, organized & find answers. It has been extremely difficult at times but I am so thankful for this lesson.

If you are the more Type B person, you probably aren’t going to get a lot from this, because you’re probably already a pro at this. But, for those of you who are anything like me, let me tell you, you have to learn to let it go. No matter how many books you read or experts you consult or how consistent you are, things will blow up. I can guarantee you will run into one of the following unexpected bumps at some point in the first year: Baby will nap in the car for 20 minutes no matter what you do (music, open windows, reaching back and tapping his forehead- not me, of course). He will sleep late and mess up his nap schedule for the rest of the day. He will wake up early and mess up his nap schedule for the rest of the day. He will sleep when he’s supposed to be awake & be awake when he’s supposed to sleep. He will scream for no apparent reason. He will reject food for no apparent reason. He will not go back to sleep with any amount of bouncing, singing, or rocking, even though you know he’s exhausted. He will go through sleep regressions & suddenly wake up multiple times at night after consistently sleeping through the night for weeks. He will make you emotional & sensitive from your lack of sleep.

Oops.

If you worry & become anxious about each of these bumps, you will spend your baby’s first year stressed, depressed, & unhappy. I was totally there. For a long time, I was anxious when anything came up that I thought wasn’t “supposed” to happen. I couldn’t let it go when I thought my baby was doing something atypical. I subconsciously thought all other babies were behaving differently, and all other moms were getting an A+ while I’m here with Isaac failing miserably. Which, I can see now, is most certainly not true. But at the time, I equated Isaac’s “bumps” with failing.

He must think I'm an ok Mama :)

The best thing I could have done is to just let. it. go. So he doesn’t nap very long? So he doesn’t sleep through the night? So we don’t have a predictable schedule? To help in not getting worked up, keep the long term vision in mind: All children will learn to sleep without their parent’s help. Someday he will stop napping all together. He doesn’t have any physical or mental problems (praise God), & these minor schedule variances aren’t going to create any. You know, sometimes your situation just is. It just is! And you adapt. You as the adult change. You have to find a way to work with the unique temperament of your baby. Do your best, breathe, keep yourself healthy, and know you love your baby & that is more important than their sleep schedule.

At one year, Isaac is healthy & happy, & I'm sure it wasn't my anxiety that got him there.

We've come a long way!!

Confession: I'm still Type A. I like when Isaac wakes up within 15 minutes of the same time every day. I like to have him nap at the same time every day. I still get a little flutter of anxiety when he wakes up in the middle of the night, especially if I think it's earlier than he should. I still do everything in my power to keep him awake in the car so he will take a real nap at home. And yes I have tapped him on the forehead from the front seat to keep him awake. I can't always just let things go & pretend they don't bother me. I often still wonder if he will sleep through the night consistently... ever. I am not a pro at letting it go. But I have gotten better. :)

Well friends & family, that's the end of my 1 Year blog. I would like to continue (the Lord knows the embarrassing confessions have not ended) but also have some other ideas in mind for this blog. Including but not limited to: motherhood devotionals, crochet/craft projects, & life updates & photos. So I probably won't be doing monthly Confessions after this, but I'll keep a list going & update as it fills up, how's that? :) My hope & prayer is that someone has found this blog helpful, or at the very least that you got a laugh out of it. We are all imperfect people just trying to figure out how to live the best lives we can. And often funny things happen in the process. I'm thankful to you for following me, & I hope you will continue to do so!

I'll leave you with some pictures of Isaac's first birthday party!