You Know You're Near the End of Your Pregnancy When...

I haven't written in awhile, and it will probably be about 3 years before I write anything again, but this has been stewing in my brain and I wanted to get it out while I still can. Little Squirt is due in less than 3 weeks, which is both frighteningly near and terribly far away! Having been through this before, I am now reminded of the joy of the last few weeks of pregnancy. *Please detect sarcasm.*

I love being pregnant. Not true. I loved being pregnant with Isaac, but this one is a totally different story. I do, however, realize the miraculous, wonderful blessing that it is to be pregnant. I feel lucky, blessed, thankful to be carrying a child. Honestly I do. If you don't believe me after this, please read my miscarriage story. Carrying a child in your womb is extremely intimate and like nothing you will ever experience.

But... Squirt can evict himself whenever he is ready. Because, for real, I am ready.

These weird things start happening. Awkward, embarrassing, uncomfortable things. I hope you want to hear about them. Well, if you're reading this you have no choice. So whether you are a newly pregnant lady, one who's been through it, or if you just want a laugh, please continue...

You Know You're Near the End of Your Pregnancy When...

1) You cannot reach the socks in the bottom of the washing machine. No matter how much you try to turn to the side and reach in, or get a little higher on your toes, there are socks that are always out of reach. Clothes have been known to go through another laundry cycle (or possibly just sit in the washer until next time) because there's no way to get them out.

I can't reach it...

2) You have to grab onto the door frame or other supportive device to put on underwear, socks and/or pants.

3) Bending over to pick things up becomes your last priority, regardless of your determination to keep a clean house. Sometimes, you've just had it with the bending. So, diapers, random empty boxes, miscellaneous trash, shoes, toys, and especially small items will just stay in the middle of the floor until, 1) Another member of the household picks them up, or 2) You decide kicking it to the edge of the room will suffice for now (until you can make #1 happen).

Here you have books, some underwear and a diaper (neither of which apparently made it onto the boy...), a dropped (but thankfully empty!) cup and spoon and a minion. Not bad, really.

4) Shaving your legs, taking care of your feet, or maintaining anything below your belly is nearly impossible.

5) You wear the same 7 shirts in a row. Laundry day to laundry day, there are not many changes. Earlier in your pregnancy, you could get away with wearing non-maternity shirts. Now, the maternity shirts barely fit.

6) Even maternity pants are no longer big enough for  your watermelon belly. In fact, you hardly have access to any comfortable pants. Maternity jeans, which are supposed to accommodate and stretch, aren't even big enough. Unless you have pants in two sizes above your normal size, you'll be wearing pajama pants or skirts for the last 3 weeks.

Do you see this seam?? Stretchy, belly-covering part meets real jean part? One word: ouch.

It's my 'I'm wearing jeans!' celebration pose. And no sooner did you say, 'She got jeans on,' that I took them off. :-)

7) You have to do the strange hunchback pose every time you do the dishes. Normally, you lean on the counter in front of the sink while doing dishes. Well, imagine a bowling ball in your way that hurts if you lean against it. Therefore, you uncomfortably hunch over to keep your belly off the counter while trying to wash dishes as fast as humanly impossible.

8) Hugging your husband (not to mention anything beyond that) becomes terribly awkward. You go in for the hug, realize you have to turn to the side to even get close, and then try to wrap your arms around him. What you have is a weird side hug that you would give your dad. Sexy.

9) You waddle. You really waddle. You don't want to waddle. You think about how you need to stop waddling and walk like a normal human being. You tell yourself, "My gosh, woman, stop waddling." But you can't stop the waddle. There is no other option. Your legs and hips do not cooperate.

10) It takes you 37 years to get comfortable when lying down for bed. You put this pillow here, that one there, swing your ginormous belly to this side, scoot the blankets down here... It's like a freaking marathon. I've never actually ran a marathon, but I imagine it would leave you fairly breathless. Similarly, after you're settled in bed, you lie there panting from exhaustion, then realize... you have to pee.

Oh, the joys of the end of pregnancy. It's a beautiful time. It's a painful time. It's a short season yet feels like a long season. It's wonderful. It's exhausting. The most important thing is, it's worth it! Soon Squirt will be here and I know I will quickly say that I would endure it all again. Until then, enjoy your regular-person jeans, and next time you bend over, thank God you're not pregnant. :)