5 Things Moms Need to Stop Saying to Each Other

Before I start, I just want to say two things. One, I am guilty of most of these myself. I solemnly do swear to stop using these phrases. Next, I want to say, "No offense, but..." 

Ok, now keep reading.

(Really Women would work well in the title too...)

1) "You just need to get him on a schedule."

Anything that begins with, "You just need to..." is a horrible way to start a sentence.

"Just cut out dairy."
"Just get a sound machine."
"Just get on a good routine."
"Just put him in timeout."
"Just send him to bed with no dinner."

Like anytime a mom suggests her child isn't napping well, or sleeping well, or is cranky, or anything that isn't "ideal," other moms are so quick to jump in with their (what I call) magical solutions. The problem is, you lie. Nothing is a magical solution for any baby. And just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will just work for everybody else.

2) "I hate my post baby body."

I am terribly guilty of this. I look at my body now and I see it as something that has been ruined, or is in need of some major changes. We as moms talk about getting rid of stretch marks, losing the baby weight, feeling guilty for not exercising, and getting back to "normal." The truth is, this body is normal. Maybe it's a new normal, but it's normal! We (ok, ok, I) need to stop talking about our bodies as if they need fixed or improving. We can always eat a little better or exercise a little more, but let's not feed the monster by talking about our bodies as if the only thing we can enjoy is the scale decreasing. We have housed a baby in our bodies and most of us probably have the same marks to show for it. What a beautiful thing!

3) "When are you gonna have another baby?"

This goes along with the, "So when are you getting married?" for dating couples. And the, "So when are you gonna have kids?" for the newlyweds. Why do we feel the need to dig into these personal issues that are completely none of our business anyways? 

You can't take a picture of you with a friend's baby without getting this question, or something like, "Ooh, looks like you need to have another!!" It's an easy question to ask. But you never know the struggle the dating partner, or the newlywed, or the mom-of-one is having when you ask that. "Well, he's questioning whether we really should get married at all," or, "Well, we have actually been trying unsuccessfully for 2 years now," or, "Well, I actually just had a miscarriage," doesn't exactly flow well of the tongue. So to save women from either smiling and pretending like everything is fine, or spouting off a very uncomfortable answer, let's just stop asking. Mmmkay?

4) "I would never do that."

Ok, so we most likely haven't said that out loud. But, confess! You've thought it before. I have too. But 'never' is a bad, bad word in relationships. Just like you probably shouldn't say to your husband, "You never buy me flowers!" because he most likely, at some point, has bought you flowers... Don't say it because it's most likely not true. I'm so guilty.

Before-Isaac-Me: "I'd never give my child french fries before at least 3." (LIE.)

Before-Isaac-Me: "I'd never drive around aimlessly for hours just to have the baby sleep." (LIE.)

Before-Isaac-Me: "I'd never lick food off my child's fingers like that. Disgusting." (LIE. But the disgusting part is still kinda true...)

Before-Isaac-Me: "I'd never nurse past a year." (Who knew? LIE!)

Before-Isaac-Me: "My child will never act like that." (LIE! Yes, my sweet child sometimes acts "like that.")

After your children are born, don't expect your rigid expectations of the perfect-mother-of-your-dreams will actually become a reality, all the time. Even now, I see older children and part of me wants to judge their mothers, but I can almost guarantee you, when Isaac is that age, I will have allowed exactly what I want to judge. And that is hypocritical and the world of mothers & women will be better off without it.

5) "My way is right and your way is wrong."

This last one is dedicated to you who use the grand world of Facebook. Whenever you post articles and links on Facebook about a certain parenting belief you have, you are virtually saying that your way is right and doing it another way is wrong. Yes, yes you are. Don't argue with me.

Mothering is hard enough, why do we need to make each other feel guilty for the choices we are making? We need to focus more on our own families rather than what other moms are doing. Why do you really care, anyway?! Whether it's about food, drink, circumcision, breastfeeding, diapers, crying, sleeping, pacifiers, or anything else involving our parenting decisions, we really need to stop trying to convince others with "scientifically solid" Facebook articles. For everything you post, I'll post something that says the exact opposite.

I realize that a lot of moms are passionate about their parenting beliefs. Which, they should be and honestly, I am too. But often it comes across as judgmental and you are actually accomplishing the exact opposite of what you want: fewer people are going to listen to you. So, maybe pick one thing and try to convince the world that everyone should do it your way. Otherwise, lay off.


Thankfully I've grown pretty confident in my parenting decisions and don't take myself too seriously anymore, but every day there are new moms who are looking for answers, and we (as the older, more experienced mothers of the world, ahem ahem) do not need to push any new moms off on the wrong foot. Let's try to be more aware and reserved in what we decide to say to other moms. There are numerous Bible verses reminding us to encourage, strengthen, and build each other up. I think we all have room to get a little better. Let's do it, Mamas!

"If anyone speaks, they should do so as one speaking the very words of God." 1 Peter 4:11

"My goal is that you may be encouraged in heart and united in love." Colossians 2:2

"Encourage one another, and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Rejoicing & Joy (Psalm 105:43)

In this Psalm, David is remembering all that God did for the Israelites as He brought them to the Promised Land. In the end, after years of hardship, slavery, oppression, sadness, despair, wandering in the wilderness, wondering if God was actually going to show up for them, "He brought out his people with rejoicing, his chosen ones with shouts of joy."  

God showed up when they probably didn't think He was going to.

We will all face low times in our lives as women. As moms. Seasons of sadness, grief, stress, exhaustion, frustration, need. I know single moms struggling to stay afloat. I know a mom whose baby had severe reflux and would only sleep for a few hours at a time. I know moms whose babies were in the hospital for weeks. I know a mom who lost her full term baby. I know women who have had miscarriages, some multiple. I know women who want babies but cannot have them. I know moms whose children are struggling in school. I know a mom who tried endlessly to raise enough money to bring her adoptive babies home. I know moms who are admirably trying to dig out of a debt hole. I know moms who are tired (ha!).

I look at my friends and I see such a variety of difficult seasons. It is amazing all you women have gone through.

Then I look forward a little. I see a mom whose baby is sleeping through the night. I see healthy babies come home from the hospital. I see the mom who thought she wouldn't have babies bring home twin girls. I see women with beautiful children who wouldn't be here if it weren't for that miscarriage. I see an adoptive girl brought to a forever home. I see the financial burden on a family lifted. I see God showing up everywhere.

In a perfect world, all our dark spots would turn to light in a matter of weeks or months. But sadly, this isn't a perfect world, and not all darkness is lifted in this life. Sometimes the difficult seasons don't end at all. But God is not limited by our time. He will bring you out. He promises to. He will bring you out, even if it is not in this life. 

There will be rejoicing and joy for those who belong to God, no matter what ugly circumstances they are in at the present moment.

David gives us the best advice we could ask for when we are facing these dark times in our lives. Earlier in this Psalm he says, "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." God will bring you out. You will rejoice. You will be joyful again. In the meantime, look to the Lord. He is full of strength and light ready to pour over into your darkness. Trust me.

Trainwreck: A Journey Through Miscarriage

Not two months ago I was in a great place in my life.  I was so excited to blog these Scripture encouragements for moms. I was getting some great words from God- lots of things I was excited to share. I was thoroughly enjoying staying at home full time. Michael was thriving at his new job. Then the icing on the cake: around Christmas Michael & I found out we were expecting Baby Hollar #2! Who wouldn't be excited about another Isaac?? (Ok, minus the sleeping challenges- that gave me a few mini heart attacks thinking about that playing out...) But regardless, we were very excited. I crochet two hats and was scouring the internet for the perfect baby blanket pattern. Our first pregnancy was so smooth. Absolutely no complications, no trouble, no scares, nothing. It never crossed my mind that this one might not go as well.
  
I left our first ultrasound appointment with the reality that our 8 week old blueberry was not growing properly. The blueberry was only measuring at a little 4 week poppy seed. We set up a two week follow up ultrasound to see if maybe the blueberry was just a mini-blueberry, maybe just a little behind. I spent the next two weeks grasping onto hope, but I didn't have a good feeling about it from the beginning. I believe at that point God was preparing me for the reality that was coming. I began to detach emotionally. Sure enough, at 10 weeks, we should have seen a kumquat (what in the world is a kumquat and why do they use that to describe your baby?!?) but indeed, we still saw a poppy seed.

P.S. This is a kumquat.

Here came the trainwreck: I was going to have a miscarriage.

There she is. I'm convinced it was a girl.

It took another week for my body to finally respond to the drugs to trigger the miscarriage. Let me tell you that, in case you didn't know, having a miscarriage massively sucks. It's probably one of the worst experiences of my life. You feel like you surely must be dying because that much blood and globs of bloody stuff (sorry) should not be coming out. This cannot be normal. You should most likely go to the hospital, if not call 911, because you are definitely going to die if you just sit at home. Just in case you might think, "It can't be that bad..." IT IS. Not only is it emotionally difficult to lose your baby, but it is physically taxing. My body has moved on. My heart is now trying to catch up.  


You get attached to the little pea so very quickly. The moment you get a positive pregnancy test, you start thinking about the due date, the gender, the newborn stage, and if you're me, what sweet little projects I could crochet for it. Then suddenly, you don't get to have those thoughts anymore. Instead, you have to think about forgetting, about going back to work, about getting your period again (boo), about getting back to "normal." No more baby fantasies.


I do not think this happened because of "karma" or something I did wrong in a past life. I do not think this happened because I drink Diet Coke or eat fast food. I do not think this happened because God is uncaring or wants to see if I have "enough faith." I think it just happened. My response? I am thankfully not angry (although I can easily see how I could be if this continued to happen), but I am just so very sad. The tears are always on the edge, ready to fall when I start thinking about it too much (like... now). I miss my baby. I am sad I will not have a real life experience with this little one. I cry to think this baby just... stopped growing inside me. I feel a sadness that I know will pass with time, but is right now very real and heavy.

I still have to believe that God is good. That He has a plan for our family and it is good. 

I cannot only believe that God is good when I'm getting everything I want. 

Sometimes bad things just happen and my faith in these times should be as strong as when things are going well. He is not a God that exists only to give us everything we ever wanted. There is more to Him than I can see sometimes. I have to believe that and have faith that He is working for my good in the end.

If you've had a miscarriage, or God forbid, you ever do, you need to know that going through a grieving process is ok. I ate a whole bag of peanut butter M&Ms in a matter of days. I had a few many Mike's Hard Lemonades (ooooh look at the rebel in me! Oh how my ways have changed...). I stayed indoors & sat on the couch for a few days. You need to do what you need to do to comfort yourself and cope the way you need to cope.

If you ever know someone who has a miscarriage, my biggest piece of advice is to keep in touch. Some of the most healing moments came from receiving flowers, gifts (note: chocolate=good gift), emails, and texts from some beautiful friends. And not just when you find out the news, but a week later. Two weeks later. A month later. She needs to feel loved and like she's not alone. She needs to know people are thinking about her. Just sending her a, "How are you doing today?" text will brighten her mood and help the healing process in ways you don't understand. Keep her in your prayers and keep in touch.

So now, we move on. We try again. We pray for another baby. We thank God that He gave us one. We are humbly grateful for all that we do have and we do not focus on what we don't. We love a little deeper because we now know what it's like to lose. We straighten out the wreckage. It's time to get back on track. 

The Spirit God Gave Us (2 Timothy 1:7)

 
If you are a Christian, if you believe that Jesus is the Son of God, then God has given you his Spirit. I am no Holy Spirit expert, and frankly it's a pretty confusing and complicated concept. But what I do know is that the Spirit is in our lives, daily nudging us, speaking to us, opening our eyes to things we may not have seen on our own, and generally helping us to live the way God wants us to. This is "the Spirit God gave us."

I don't know about you, but I often feel timid in my parenting role. I second guess myself, I wonder if I'm doing it "right," I ask for others' opinions hoping they'll just tell me what I should do, I doubt my decisions if they're different from others, etc. All these things are the exact opposite of what God intended when He have us His Spirit. Even in the role of motherhood, God does not intend for us to be unsure, weak, or wishy-washy. This Spirit He gave us is to be used in ALL areas of our lives, motherhood included!

He wants us to use His Spirit for power, love, and self-discipline.  

Power, not in the sense of dominating power over our children, Lord help us, but power over timidity and doubt. Power over the schemes of the devil, trying to throw us off course. Power over the negative influence and opinions of others. Power to be confident and sure that you are a good mother.

Use His Spirit to love. Love your children well, love your spouse well, love your neighbors well. Regardless of the bumps in the road that day, the emotions you think you can't help, the situations that may make it difficult to love. His Spirit can and will help us love well anyways.

Use His Spirit for self-discipline. There are areas in our lives where each of us needs to grow, mature, and allow God in to change us. None of us are perfect wives, mothers, family members or friends. And we cannot change ourselves for the better simply with more will-power. But with the help of the Spirit, we can all improve on our weaknesses.

It's very easy to be timid and doubt yourself as a mom. There are so many opinions and critics out there. But just remember those feelings of insecurity are not from God. That doubt is not what God intend you to feel. Focus on listening to His Spirit in your heart as you walk through your day, and allow the doubt to fade as you gain power, love and self-discipline!

Your Best: 2 Timothy 2:15

"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, and who correctly handles the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

This verse really stuck out to me as my purpose for writing this blog. This is what I want to say I've done. For this blog, you first need to know that I am not ashamed that I am a Christian. I encourage you to argue (politely, please, I don't like online yelling), ask questions, or to just to keep reading, even if you don't share my beliefs.

For all of us, the big idea here is to do your best. Didn't we first hear this back in like, kindergarten?! It still applies! What more can we do? If we expect too much from ourselves, we are thinking we should do better than our best. An expectation like that will just lead to disappointment and feelings of failure. On the other hand, if we don't put in the effort to achieve our very best, we are letting down not only ourselves, but our families from experiencing the best we have to offer.

I will do my best to correctly handle the word of truth. I do not know everything. Or even very much. But, I promise to give you my best. My goal is to post twice a week, but I make no promises. And just so we get this little piece out of the way now: I have no editor. I do not have a degree in writing and I don't always remember what should or shouldn't be Capitalized, comma-ed, colon-ed: or when I should stop writing because it's a run on sentence and run on sentences make you seem unsmart and... (now is good??). Also, I make up words. Like unsmart.

For you, I want to encourage you to do your best to walk this Christian walk, and do not be ashamed. You know what your best is better than anyone. I'm confident in saying that your best should include being in the Scriptures yourself. God wants to speak to you through His Word. He has a special message for your heart at just the right time. Your best for Him will mean learning from Him, I promise you that. 

One thing that has really helped me focus on Scripture throughout the day, when I'm in the midst of my everyday life, is to pick one verse a week to focus on. I write it down. I rewrite it. I look at it often. I say it out loud. And then usually I write it down again. For me, this is the best I can do. It's not realistic for me to memorize a verse a day. Or to spend an hour in quiet time at 5am every morning. But, it would be untrue to say that I don't have time at all to learn more Scripture. I just don't have time. Lie. That's not your best. God asks that we do our best.

Are you currently doing your best? What is one area where you need to lower your unrealistic expectations of yourself? What is one area where you need to put in more effort to achieve your best?

To You, Mama

So, my year of "Confessions of a First Time Mom" was pretty fun. I enjoyed documenting all the blunders & oopsies that occurred in my son's first year. I was completely in survival mode. Keep the child alive. You have succeeded. Now, things are changing. It's still important to keep the child alive. But, he is starting to talk, and express emotions, and have temper tantrums, and walk into the street (true story), and understand the world around him. My parenting world is changing. It's no longer just figuring how to get Isaac to sleep longer at night (although, we are still working strongly on that). It's becoming about teaching and disciplining and shepherding and correcting. I thought I didn't know what I was doing in the first year of Isaac's life. Oh, just wait. This is gonna be a whole new ballgame.

I am a Christian. A believer in Jesus. Therefore, I hope my God shapes how I parent. And because I truly have no idea what I'm doing (you haven't caught on to that yet?!), I have purchased a variety of devotional books looking for some help. Some wisdom on what the Scriptures say about mothering. What I've found has been somewhat disappointing. One author is talking about how she's struggling with her toddler throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of a diaper change and she says something like, "And in the midst of this diaper change, I stopped to think, this is how God must see us."  And I'm like, "What?!? No you didn't! Nobody thinks about that while they're wiping a screaming baby's poopy butt!!" I just... couldn't relate. Or I read something like this: "My perpetual Presence with you can be a continual source of Joy, springing up and flowing out in streams of abundant Life. Let your mind reverberate with the meanings of My Names." And my half conscious mind is like... wha?! So, after a few tries, I just haven't been able to find something that's practical and Biblical and helps apply Scripture to my life.

So, in September of last year I started reading the Bible and asking God to show me what it was saying about motherhood. At first I thought I wasn't going to get much, because there's really not a lot in Scripture directly speaking on motherhood. But, wow, how I have been surprised. God has made verses and words and stories stick out to me that I never would have expected. I started keeping track of these readings and now want to blog about them. For moms, for parents, for anyone who wants to read it, really. I do not claim to be a theological expert, or even very knowledgeable about the Scripture's meaning. I just pray, read, and write what I think God shows me. Nothing fancy. I am truly not an incredibly smart person. I get confused by the writings of C.S. Lewis. It took me 7 years to read through the Bible for the first time. I forgot the verse I "memorized" last week. I have learned a lot from my time with children's ministry. You should not feel like you can't do this for yourself. Because if I can, you can too!

I try to be very conscious to take the Scriptures for what it says, not what I would like it to say. I think when we take single verses and try to manipulate them to fit our need for specific answers, we are not really growing in our faith. My plea to you is to explore the Scriptures for yourself, and not just believe whatever someone else says.

I chase a one year old all day. I change diapers. I make dinner (most of the time). I do laundry. I pay bills, and run errands, and bake cookies, and go to the park, and stand in line at the post office. And I love Jesus. I think He has shown me some wonderful things about motherhood from His Word. I'd like you to see that Scripture is relevant to your life now. I won't fake it to be like the Manicured Mother on the cover of that one book I threw away, or to make things sound flowery and religious. I'm all about honesty and real life. I hope you'll join me on my next great adventure. This is for you, Mama. 

Books to Read 2014

I've finalized my list of books to read in 2014! It's very difficult to narrow down the list, because 1) I love to read and so many books sound great. And 2) I always think I can read more than I actually do. 22 books are on my list this year, and that is a s-t-r-e-t-c-h.  But hopefully I can get all these books read!

I have my list on a site called Goodreads. If you're a book-lover and haven't found this site yet, I highly recommend it! You can keep track of all the books you've read, are currently reading, and want to read. You can rate books and leave reviews and comments. And, you can make a Books to Read in 2014 list! (Click on the link to go to my list in Goodreads.)

In case you don't want to explore Goodreads, or you are simply too lazy to click on the link (I can't blame you), here's my list:

Fiction: 
Divergent by Veronica Roth
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
Songs of Redemption (Chronicles of the Kings #2) by Lynn Austin
The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty
War Brides by Helen Bryan
A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers (actually a compilation of 5 books so that should extend my annual total to 26!)
The Girl Who Chased the Moon by Sarah Addison Allen

Nonfiction:
Forgotten God by Francis Chan
Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp
Let. It. Go. by Karen Ehman
Bringing the Gospel Home by Randy Newman
The Art of Neighboring by Jay Pathak
Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney (on my 2013 list- it was that good I want to read it again!)
The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian
Capture His Heart by Lysa TerKeurst
Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver
Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow
Believing God by Beth Moore
The No Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley (Yes we're still working on this and no I don't want to talk about it! ;-)

Here's to a wonderfully literate 2014! What are you reading?!?